Is it a fault?

I thought it was only about my life in Japan that I couldn’t really move on; I was attached to it in every detail. Until someday in January, I woke up and suddenly got sad. I don't really understand why, and after one hour of thinking about it, I was afraid because I have been too happy for the last three days. It's strange, but I’m sad because I know that three days is ended, that three normal days is ended.

“I believe that a normal day should be enough, or even more than that, to be fully experienced and conciously remembered. Because, in the end, peace and wholeness are far more attractive than happiness and excitement."

and “It likes my body and brain refuses to make new memories; instead it wants to strengthen the old. Taking time to comprehend, to be grateful, to be enough, to enjoy normal things deeply, and to appreciate them.”

I wrote those sentences, and since then, I really enjoy life as it is. I easily get happy for every simple thing and being very thankful: for a small talk, for any greeting, for the time, and especially for the existence of people around me. Everything has seemed very good and bright for weeks. But why do I suddenly get sad when it ends? Because I just realized that even the simplest thing now isnt replicable.

The conversation I had in the library, the long walk to the station before going home, the park and its swings, our favorite snacks, cooking time, the first meeting after several months, the picnic, the canteen, laboratory, coffee shop, tea house, ice cream, our group trip, the train, the rain, the smile, and basically everything, combined with the time and people, then it became special memories for me.

Is it a fault to attach that precious memories to a normal thing?

because now I can’t really escape from everything. Every place, time, event, and activity reminds me of something, of someone.

Because it’s the people what make memories memorable. The place will stay the same even in the future, but it can hold many memories and mean different things to different people. For example: Korfat will always be there, but it also holds a thousand memories of mine: the place to wait before laboratory class, to do online classes, to “hangout” after finish an exam, to discuss for competition, to plan a group trip, etc. I always remember who I was with there.

But now, when I truly appreciate normal things, everything has become extremely valuable. I’m overload with good little things—the 15-minute talk, the greeting, lunch time together, etc. To the point where my stupid brain said, “Why should I chase the future when the beauty is in the past?”

Is it a mistake to attach that precious memories to a normal thing?

I love my memories a lot, and when I attach memories to normal things, they are no longer just in my head, my memories are with me and every place I have ever been, with every person I’ve ever met. It is everywhere…

Maybe it is not a mistake, even its really challenging to live attached to the past, it provides a warm and safe place for me to be lulled and dreamed in the comfort of the past without needing to think about the cold and dark possibilities of the future.

Izzu
25.01.2024