2023 : The Year I Choose to Change Myself (Repeatedly)
It's really hard for me to name this year (2023), because I have been through a lot (like a lot) this year. But why I come up with this “cringe” title? because throughout the year, I have repeatedly acknowledged this, and it has been acknowledged by people around me as well.
It's not really a thing before one very casual but really important question from my friend: “Will you stay the same (with your current persona here) when you return to Indonesia? Oh no, I mean, do you want to stay the same?” I’m shocked and cant give a proper answer, which leads me to think about this seriously.
and here is the story...
Part I: How I enter this year
This is a recap of my January-March. My earliest writing this year is “Whose happiness is this?"—that refers to a feeling of happiness, but the source isn't myself. I noticed that I’m happy simply because my friend is happy. Celebrating other people's wins and achievements, being part of their journey, and seeing their smile, laughs, and excitement—everything feels awesome and enough.
Beside of thet, there are 3 main events that alter me in this period: the Indonesian tea culture event, IISMA application period, and daily interaction with my classmate (K3sempurnaancinta) ahahah.
- Indonesia Tea Culture Event for me is very memorable. We do extreme things (4–5 hours journey to the place, another 4–5 hours for only ±20 booth, staying up late midnight in Jakarta pretending it is “Jakarta Sebelum Pagi” situation, celebrating birthday, 3am McD, shubuh at Istiqlal). It is not my first time feeling that “people can multiply happiness," but I believe this event strengthens that belief. I can imagine doing all those things alone, and it will still be an amazing experience and story, but it won't be as memorable as that.
- The IISMA application period has the exact opposite impact for me. I do avoid people (at least those who are related to IISMA). I’m not really sure "why?” but its something like, “I don’t want that my progress is affected by theirs, and vice versa.”. Within this period, I’m back to my “individualistic” persona, and I do more travel alone. And the more I separated from the people around me, the more I felt like the lyrics from Jordana Bryant kind of related to me
People say people don’t change
But they do when (but they do when)
Old friends get new friends
I do believe that I wrote something like, “I’m really sorry if it feels like a betrayal.” on my instagram story to show my choice to the public to be less social and be a pure achiever. Do you know that I always believe that there is a trade-off between being “social” and “achiever”? (Only a few people can balance it.) I always want to break up this myth (by inviting my friends to achieve something together), but this time I really want to be an achiever for myself. I believe that I also had my “silent mode” here. when no one can really talk to me. I won't say a word for some period of time at the university.
- My daily interaction in my class is “Another new version of me.”. I really try to be “social”: I showed up in wfc (work from cafe), which leads to watching cinema and “Djaya Night Talks.”, I came to a board game cafe, hawce dimsum and surken explore, and spent more times (relative to the previous year) with my classmate that I had no intense interaction or communication before. All of these events happened in March, and I think my personality remained the same until June. Its weird to write, but I got some new friends this semester (even though we were already classmates for 1-2 years at the time).
Part II: KKN (community service)
Disclaimer : It is a chronological event; I don't know what will happen in the future when I make the decision. It is also one of my biggest failure in 2023. (Even though it doesn’t mean that everything I choose is wrong.)
Do you know that I already stated that June–July 2023 is a void for me? I don’t really want to talk about it; I already deleted almost all the documentation (which is very unusual for Izzu; I have always kept all my photos since 2022). Everything from this period should keep on being nothing. But when I want to talk about how I changed myself in 2023, I can't do that without this event.
Its only 40 days of survival; nothing can be that bad, I thought. But since the first meeting of my group, I know it will be insane (I have some records on how I describe that first impression; its better if you don't read them). Since that day, I have set my personality to some simple rules: avoid making conflict, say yes and talk less than it needs (be quiet!), do what you can do, and never involve emotion (especially anger). This is the most obedient personality I have ever had, believe me.
It went well until day 20/21, then I had quite a big conflict (not because I did something wrong, but because I didn’t want to do something with them; just say it, I made some space between me and them, and they found it). Until the end of the program, my problem with them was just because of that (that I looked separate from them), and they hated it because it made them look bad to the local society. (But they said it because they care to me, and its dangerous to be alone — you can believe it if you want, but not for me).
I don't know which one—being obedient (not rebellious) or not having someone to talk to—makes me stressed out. But now I know that I can follow the rules, lower my egos, stay calm in the conflict, “bow my head” if I have to, be inferior, etc. Which is really new for me as someone who is “self-centered” and “do whatever I want at any cost.”. Conformity is not my type of person. But I learned it a bit at that time.
But everyone knows that I “left” my group since the end of the program (even though we still have so many things to do), and somehow it feels like revenge from my rebellious side that was not accommodated during those 40 days, even though it's not something right to do.
Part III : My Life in Japan
I dont really know how to describe my personality there. It feels bright and vivid outside, but calm inside. I’m light, free, and live intentionally; this is the time I´m being extremely "social" and I found peace. It looks to good to be true, but that's what I feel. Of course, I’m not free from problems; I’m struggling about halal food (not on finding them, but the social aspect of it; I have to explain the border, its “limit” some interaction, etc). Someday I also had frienship/interaction problem, but thats it.
At that time, I belive that life is good and world is kind, and it is also reflect on how I behave. I easily make friends (I think I can name more than 50 local student, and being close to nearly 10–15 of them, and still keep in touch with 5–7 people after months), celebrate small wins, found that giving gift is fun and passionate about it.
Life is easier when I dont think too much about it, because I believe everything (and everyone) will always move in a good way or direction. I can be calm and don’t need to be prepared or worried about bad things (which normally I do in everyday life). And everything is keep going on a virtuous cycle — Life and world is being kind to me, so I’m being kind to them, ans so on.
One more thing that also help me during this period is the deep talk games, its like asking “hard personal question” then answer it in turn. We (or I can say it Aya) found the question from tiktok. “what is the hardest part to accept in you?” “What is word or sentences that you really want to hear from others?” and much more. It helps me to gain more clarity and inspired by kind-hearted people around me.
My conclussion
Even my personality in Japan seems one of the best that I ever experienced, that happens because it simple and shallow life (even I appreciate it deeply). That is temporal ideal safe place for me, but life overall is imperfect and complex. Moreover, I already had some set of personality before that, and I can’t just replace it right away. It will make a confusion on me because the new personality not yet completed and tested in various situation. At least for now that personality can be my anchor on how good I can be interpersonally, as my highschool became my standard on how good I can be spiritually.
Broaden my spectrum of personality is the goal of my twenties, so I can choose the one that suit me the best after experienced many of them. It’s maybe waste of time (on some perspective) but that’s the way I live — from trial and error. I embrace and learn from my failure and adopt or replicate my wins.
I’ll have mistake (or even try to make one) just to learn the negative impact. Because knowing only the good on life won’t prepared me for the bad one. So I try it out now, because its the time with less impact on my overall life, I can’t try it on my 40’s since I’ll have so much more responsibility later. As I don’t have any imagination about my future, I prepared a lot of supplies for that time.
